What I’ve known since I was a teenager, was that no spoken or written words nor spiritual guidance actually helps, once sorrow has become completely internalized.  You try to find some way to live each day, but most days are spent in “quiet desperation”. 

Grieving is a process that has its own path and time and is just as capricious as life and death.  Why did I ever think that the art was a free gift? 

I heard an excerpt from Ernie Pyle’s wartime correspondence today on NPR radio and it suddenly seemed odd to me that death during war is given so much more gravity than death under other circumstances.  Why is that?

I move through days in slow motion, without purpose – finding work that has no meaning anymore.  Why can’t I pretend that what I do actually makes a difference?

This loss is so great and knowing that her unconditional love will never be in my life again is crushing my soul.  Bethany was so much more than my daughter; she was my friend and a soul mate.  So, I’m breathing and walking and talking and still I know that life is gone.

“You can’t always get what you want…”

           and you don't get what you need either.

This afternoon I went hiking at the Falls Mills area – love my Leki hiking poles - and then I did a charcoal drawing of the falls.  A good day!

However, what peaked my interest beside the falls was the discovery of what looked like a tier 1 (beside man) predator tracks.  The WV wildlife site says there are black bears and cougars/mountain lions in the state although they have the cougar as extirpated.  But I’m pretty sure these were cougar tracks in the snow.  I remember those tracks from my time at the Grand Canyon* and considering the terrain and the availability of deer this is a perfect place for one.  Hmmn.  You know I thought I heard one late one evening last week and that’s when I went to the state wildlife site to check if they were here.

Actually, except for here I’m not going to mention this to any neighbors - what’s the likelihood that they’ll be reading my blog?  If a cougar is here, it should remain protected and left alone.

*I spent two or three afternoons a week from June through August with potential Jr. Rangers pressing plaster casts of animal paw prints (mountain lion included) into wet sand.  Also while leading a family nature hike we found mountain lion/cougar tracks in wet clay and then several young people found the hidden scat – mountain lions/cougars hide their scat – which confirmed the owner of the tracks.

When did I start to need so much order in the things around me, so that I could be free to create without distraction?  Have I always needed this?  Is this why I prefer to work alone and away from others, whose disorder I can’t organize?  OR is this just another way to avoid committing totally to the art?

Well, I’m still here in WV and won’t be heading north until sometime in March.  Aside from the fact that I’m not much of a TV watcher, I never watched any daytime soaps, because my own family is a daytime soap opera – enough said.

I’m actually working on my sculpture when I’m not rearranging shelving and writing and researching on the Internet – I hate dial-up!   But then again, I should be working and not on the computer;-)  But here I am!

This area is similar, except in weather, to much of what I saw in the Southwest, the towns are a little older with more Victorian buildings, but Sutton and Weston make me think a little of Williams, AZ.  Also the intrusion of sometimes old, decrepit and rusting trailers and mobile homes blight what would be a gorgeous landscape, just as they do in the southwest.  Urban blight is what is usually written about and yet I remember vividly driving toward the Painted Desert with the most glorious scenery and colors on all sides and suddenly coming upon a crop of truly ugly trailers and mobile homes in the middle of such natural beauty.  I understand that these “modern” shelters have air conditioning – nice to have in the desert – and other amenities, but what eyesores!

Perhaps that’s why this cabin so appeals to me.  Yet, I’ve become used to nicer conditions and it is trying to deal with the awful iron water and the other things that I take for granted in my other residence.  I think I’m getting old!

Although I’m in the mountain lake region of West Virginia, my cabin is in a valley and less than a foot of snow from the huge “snowmageddon” that hit the east coast mid-Atlantic-states fell here.  Unlike in PA where more than two feet of snow fell in the first storm and another foot or more during the second blizzard yesterday.  Hmmn, I may just stay here longer.  Particularly since the owner replaced the old commode and that does seem to have affected the intermittent gross odor.  I’m beginning to be hopefully optimistic – OK, OK, I know that I’m prone to be optimistic – that the odor problem may be gone.  But I’m hanging out here long enough to see if the problem resurfaces.

Actually I’ll be heading back north next weekend and will be there for a week to ten days.  My plans are to spend some time with my mother and then organize and pack as much as I can fit into my car to bring back here.  I’ll try to disassemble my large art storage unit and see if it will fit in the car and if so, see what else can fit with it.  This might require more than one trip.  I really don’t want to go the truck route again.

Right, no mention of art work being done – BUT it will be eventually.  I am painting – mirror frames – very artistically ;-)  

Something I haven’t mentioned, but that’s becoming more problematic is the intermittent gross odor coming from under the floor in the main area of the cabin.  At first I thought that a rodent had died in the crawl space and eventually the smell would dissipate – WRONG!  Since I lived with a septic system before PA required us to hook up to the sewer, I remember only too well what happens when the tank isn’t emptied on a regular basis.  So I’m beginning to think that there’s a “beginning to back up” septic system happening here.  I contacted the owner about the odor and she sent someone down to check the sewer pipe in the crawl space and he said there was no problem there.  Also he said that the tank had been emptied recently, so I’ll just have to see if this odor disappears on its own.  He never came inside first to smell the odor, which was present, but immediately checked under the cabin.  When he did come inside there was no odor – in fact, it smelled as if air freshener had been sprayed under the floor.  He said he didn’t and that I should call if I had any more problems and left.  I’m just beginning to smell it – less pronounced - again….

I caved!  The Internet is here in my studio/log cabin!  So all my resolve to be media free has dissolved – I’m reconnected to the world.  No artwork yet…

Entries previously written and now posted:

January 24, 2010

It’s been raining torrentially most of the day here in West Virginia.  Yesterday my nephew Brian drove his truck with as much of my art stuff, etc. that could fit in it.  He opted to take his truck rather than AJ’s.  We arrived around 2 PM and he and his brother were on their way back to PA by 3:45 PM.   It didn’t take long for me to realize what was forgotten and after I organized the “stuff”, I took a trip to a nearby town to shop for some needed essentials.  So much for my list of what had to go – LOL.

 Although I’m writing this now at 10:15 PM Sunday night, I’m not able to get online using dial-up on the landline I’d had installed.  I keep getting a message that my destination is busy.  However, I did manage to get all the window brackets, rods and curtains hung and a few shelves and mirrors are up too – good thing I couldn’t get online!  Of course, no art has been done, but I really had to do this little bit of domestic settling in first, then I won’t be sidetracked later – or so I hope.

January 25, 2010

OK the Thoreau idea ran into reality today when I found myself driving into a snowstorm on my way to pick up some necessities that were inadvertently left in PA.  Since I have no TV, Internet or radio to find out about the weather, once the rain stopped, I decided to head out.  But it wasn’t really that bad, most of it was north of here and I had no trouble returning.  Of course, having driven through a whiteout on route 40 in western Arizona two years ago, I’m not intimidated by driving in snow.  I just don’t like to do it.

The “destination is busy” message just keeps coming up on the computer for the past two days.  So, I may actually have to be totally Internet deprived – wonder if I’ll need rehab for this?

January 28, 2010

Did you know that the same part of the brain that’s used for creativity is also used for house keeping and cleaning?  Probably why I’ve always hated housework, but this is my lame excuse for doing no art.  I’m actually still trying to do housekeeping here.  The well water has iron in it and the stains are awful, not to mention the smell and taste.  I tried the pitcher purification system and I’m willing to use that water for cooking and brushing my teeth, but it’s bottled water for drinking.  It really does leave a pale reddish film whenever it spends time in contact with a surface.  It’s a good thing I already dye my hair red!

I did go out to see and photograph the falls, which is only .3 mile from my place and then traveled south to see Sutton and the Sutton Dam.  Not the Hoover Dam, but a nice looking structure.  But it’s the Falls Mill Scenic area that is so lovely and so close to me.  I have to get to work!

Returned late last evening from a short trip to my studio log cabin in WV.  Besides the snow, which I expected, my peace and quiet, which I also expected to have, was shattered at 5 AM the first morning there by what turned out to be the honking of geese and quacking of ducks.  It seems that they congregate in a small creek run very close to the cabin and when I looked out the window holding a lantern, they noisily waddled right over.  It was apparent that the previous occupant fed them.  Something I have no intention of doing, so perhaps they’ll find another benefactor.  Later that day while I was taking window measurements in a back bedroom, I heard a lot of noise on the front porch and there - looking for a handout - were a family of goats.  The young kid was shy at first, but the parents were ready to come in when I opened the door.  Happily, I ran to get my camera and all they got were their photos taken.

 
On a more somber note, my return trip home was marred by a multi-vehicle crash near Morgantown, WV.  It became apparent that something had happened up ahead when all traffic going east on 68 in light snow came to an almost standstill.  We crawled for miles until we were funneled into one lane as we approached the scene.  There were fire trucks – one or both of the vehicles had been on fire, police and rescue vehicles and portable stadium lights all gathered there.  I’d been able to see a little of what looked like a two car crash when I was inching along an upper curve of the highway and an unidentifiable dark object alone in the snow caught my eye.  It made an intriguing design against the white and I wondered what part of one of the severely damaged cars it was.  As I drove closer, I noticed a car pull over and a man carrying a camera with a large telephoto lens get out to take pictures of that same dark car part.  The police initially tried to stop him, but he must have had press credentials, because he was allowed to continue.  Soon I saw one car without doors and children’s food and drinks spilled in what was left of the rear compartment.  I then caught a glimpse of another car upside down with its roof compressed to meet the hood and trunk.  Then the car in front of me was stopped to let two emergency rescue vehicles leave.  We continued at an even slower pace and I finally got to see the mysterious dark object, its design in the snow initially so attracting me.  It was a charred child car seat…

Avatar – spectacular visuals, pedestrian story!  A real touch of humor might have helped.  But I’m glad I saw it in the so very much improved 3D.

Happy New Year!

There’s a freedom in knowing that not very many people read this blog.  Not that I don’t like having people read it, but I find that I’m more willing to write things that would usually only be in my journal, once I realized how few will read it.

I read Atlas Shrugged & Fountainhead by Ayn Rand when I was twenty.  I liked reading her works.  But I figured out rather quickly that her intriguing philosophy only worked for those who were without serious responsibilities – no children to raise or elderly parents to care for.  She wrote fiction.  It’s fascinating to read that her works are popular now because of her economic theories.  Hmmn, the Housing Bubble, Wall Street’s near collapse, the recession all the fault of unregulated capitalism and yet her super pro-capitalism is so admired by some on both sides of the political spectrum.  Odd. 

Finally, I have a new studio, not in the Southwest (my dream location), but a log cabin in West Virginia.  It will be my place to get away to and work.  It’s located in WV’s mountain lake region in the center of the state – a lovely area even in winter.  Of course, I’ll still have to deal with winter weather there and a six-hour drive from here.  But I expect the three other seasons will more than make-up for winter woes.

This will be a minimalist habitat for me – my airbed, some chairs, table and small dresser.  All else will be art equipment, which, of course will need the truck to transport.  The truck belonged to AJ and is stick shift, which I know how to drive.  But I can’t seem to actually drive it – truck too big and legs too short! 

I expect to drive down in early January with as much as I can squeeze into my car.  Which I discovered was quite a lot during my traveling years. 

So, hopefully my Thoreau like plans will inspire me to produce the work I’ve been longing to achieve.

My daughter Laura was born today.  She was my first child and it was a revelation to love that tiny person so intensely.  Until then, I didn’t know that this was what love could be.  Happy Birthday Laura!

Yesterday, when my friend Carole P. said that art was my passion, I agreed.  But later while driving home I started thinking about how much I’ve avoided that passion.  How it frightened me when I was young and was the real reason why I initially chose “cool” science over art.  It’s not often that I think of how in control I always have to be.  Did I consciously or subconsciously arrange my life so that my real passion would always be controlled?  Was it even possible for me to do that or did I simply use what my life became as way to avoid my fear of losing myself by totally committing myself to what I love? 

When, as a pre-teen, I first read The Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson, I was completely taken by it.  But even then I knew that although I understood who the Hound was, I felt it as something else within me.  Perhaps that’s why I’ve remembered it all these years.

On a lighter note, my daughter Bethany and I had Thai food along with the traditional pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving.  

Studio space has become a priority for me, since for reasons many of you know, I can’t continue to work here.  However, finding a suitable space is more difficult than I expected.  Of course I am trying to get a lot of space and I want it to be somewhere rural/semi-rural – quiet is key.  There is a place in WV that may be the right space – I’ll know once I get to see it in a few weeks.  Yes, I know the six-hour drive from here will put me back on the road again, but I think I’m meant to be a wanderer.

Sometimes I wonder if being an artist adds to my self-involvement and need to have an enormous amount of solitude and not just my underlying sadness.  Am I the friend that my friends are to me?

Over at TPM, I read that a report said 67% of bloggers are men and the writer wondered what that was saying.  I think it says that men are more willing to state their opinions in print and don’t need a real time feedback as much as women.  Actually, it’s my experience that they prefer to be unchallenged most of the time.  Which of course doesn’t happen often in the company of women.  The writer suggested that misogyny plays a big role and again because women do like feedback, the sometimes anonymous vitriol towards them can be frightening.  I agree.